...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
