i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I don't deserve a penis
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
