i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
