he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
