I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just cropdusted the office
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
