well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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