Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We were destined to go to rehab together
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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