"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
