Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
