I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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