I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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