I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize