Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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