I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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