Apparently you make a good broom.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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