I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
