Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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