You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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