I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
