If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
