I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
