I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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