Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
