My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
