Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
