No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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