You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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