he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Randomize
