is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
