How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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