Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sorry my hands just texted you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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