dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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