Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
