Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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