She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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