yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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