I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
