she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
