I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
