then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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