Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
