I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize