I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
