I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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