I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
