I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
