I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
