She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
