Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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