I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
