If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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