Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
