I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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