my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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