my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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