Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
