I think scott just propositioned me for sex
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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