is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
