i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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