i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
