Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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