I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
