life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
