i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
