Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
