I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
