I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
