Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Even my vagina gasped.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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