I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize