My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize