fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm like, not good at living.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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