Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize