i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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